read this or you're gay (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
derogatory) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
jackassery2013-06-27 09:59 pm
derogatory) wrote in jackassery2013-06-27 09:59 pm
derogatory) wrote in jackassery2013-06-27 09:59 pm
OKAY HOW TO DO THIS WITHOUT SPOILING THE WHOLE FIC. sry for long crazy vic talk
Things with Nathan are fine. Not that they're bad, they're great. The whole "good" from the previous paragraph is probably entirely hinged on him not to uh put pressure on this. Am I putting too much pressure on him? This is way too much pressure, he can barely handle being asked to take the recycling out with the garbage. One time I say- JOKING- that he should recycle more since he's gonna be here to see the world collapse under the weight of its own garbage and now it's A Thing. I'm 78% sure its just to piss off of doing chores but see! Pressure and Nathan! It's not like he can't do pressure, I'm not saying that cause of course he can. He's a freaking super hero too. But that's the job, right? I don't wanna like pile on. Immortality sounds like enough pressure, I can't tell him I'm like counting on him being around forever to keep me from going beserker either, right? That's not fair. I should know how to not do it on my own. I do know how. It doesn't matter, Tony has the blue screen of death question. Victorious, the bad one, he's not a problem anymore. I don't think about it as much, except when we think about forever.
Like what if he doesn't want to be with me forever? I mean, we're not married and its not like gay divorce is super uncommon, look at the au statistics, its as high as straight divorce. I'm not saying I don't wanna be together forever! Forever?? It's more pressure right. Maybe I don't need that pressure either, you know. Maybe I don't need a question about feelings piling on.
I think he thinks I'm boring sometimes. I know I'm not, except when I talk about the Star Wars extended universe or whatever. But he is gonna live forever and maybe if forever stops being a threat for me, for Ultron, what if he doesn't wanna do forever with me? Karolina keeps telling me it's stupid, and I know it's not the end of the world. It's not the first time I'd be dumped. But how long was I supposed to be in the Avengers before I snapped? Maybe if I don't go evil I just wear down? Like why would he make a bot built to last. Achieve the primary objective and then run out of batteries. So if he dumped me it'd be okay cause maybe I wasn't gonna be around forever anyway. There's lots of hot immortals out there, probably ones who don't talk about comics as much as me.
I keep the cards his mom sends in a box. Usually I have to save them from the trash when he's not looking. I get to him they're just more people who disappointed him. They weren't as good to him as people should've been, nobody was. Not that I'm the best thing to happen to him, don't be stupid. But I think if my mom was still around I'd throw them out too, you know, if that wasn't in my programming or whatever. So it's fine, but she's not. And I know he doesn't need a family like that, I can be his family, but. If she wasn't here anymore, he'd wish he had them. Maybe I'm just trying to keep something for him to remember a life without me in it, if I'm not around. It maybe it's just stupid and I'm latching onto his family cause I'm a freak. Cause what if he doesn't want a family with me in it?
I mean, that sounds dumb it wasn't- I'm just saying shit. But I think talking about feelings right now is stupid because feelings leads to talking about forever and family and what if I'm not built for either of them? And yeah that sucks for me but who cares, because that's gonna suck more for him. if he's not bored of me.
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